We are very sad to announce the departure of Red Narrow. The last few days have been very trying for GutterGirl. First the news about Ded and Red Narrow's joint affliction and now this. Last week it was revealed that the brother's Narrow shared more than parents and bad fashion sense. As it turns out, they had been sharing a left testicle since birth.(see figure 13) Until recently, this condition, known as siamese-testicular-bonding ,was considered untreatable. But, thanks to the pioneering efforts of researchers like Dr. Ronald 'Butter Knife' Splitsac (see figure 13b), they were able to separate the Narrow Brothers. Unfortunately for G.G., this connection was the only thing keeping Red in the band. As soon as the laser surgery was completed, he announced his resignation. In his classic style, brother Ded commented "I'm gonna take my half of that fucking bullock back with my bleedin' pen knife." Red has decided to focus more of his time on sleeping.
So, where does this leave GutterGirl and the remaining members of her band? Stay tuned to find out.
Good news. Red Narrow has been replaced by none other than Slasha Narrow. But who is this other Narrow and where did he come from ?(you ask). Well I'll tell you. During World War II, Bosnia was occupied by the Nazi's. In 1944 Aided by the Red Army and the British, Yugloslavian Communist leader Josip Broz Tito's forces helped push the withdrawing German army out of Yugoslavia. It was during this time that Grandma Narrow met Grandpa Narrow who was a British soldier. After a short courtship, Grandma Narrow was with child. Being a Narrow, Grandpa split the country. Grandma was left to raise the boy twins on her own in Bosnia. She named them Vulgar and Stash (Bosnian Names) and provided as best she could for them. In his late teens, Vulgar Narrow decided it was time to travel Europe. While in Britain, he contacted his estanged father who reluctantly gave him a place to live. Stash remained in Bosnia, married young and became the father of Slasha Narrow, while Vulgar knocked-up a British prostitute (Candy Thomas) and split the country (being a Narrow). Candy, the mother of Ded and Red Narrow, was forced to raise her twin boys on her own in a less than ideal environment. After about a year living in extreme poverty, Candy made the tough decision to send one of her boys to the U.S. to live with her Aunt. Poor Red was shipped out to live the rest of his life in America. Meanwhile, Slasha enjoyed the comfort of good home in Bosnia. This would explain the cousin's differing personalities and accents. Recently, Slasha came to America for a visit and was subsequently convinced to play guitar for GutterGirl (kidnapped).
As you are probably aware, Slasha has since left guttergirl to pursue a career as an Iggy Pop impersonator. If you're ever in Dubuque Iowa, be sure to make a stop at Rijeka's Bar and Rdilyt Grill for his show. I've heard it's as much fun as a visit to Lotrscak Tower in the spring time.
As well you know his replacement is David Matos. He just got back from holiday in Pakistan where he was hanging with Gen Parvez Musharraf's and Pakistani Prime Minister, Mr Nawaz Sharif. As it turns out, his comments about the Prime Minister's hair (or lack there of), led directly to the coup. I hope your proud of yourself David.
In a related story, GutterGirl herself, is now in command of a functional (barely), 386 home computer. You can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org, if you'd like. She asked me to thank Mark Grant and Julie Mulhearn for donating the device.
Meow Mix does not like us. In fact, it's been brought to our attention that they made comments, to an un-named source, that we are no longer 'allowed' to play there. We are deeply heart-broken by this news. We will desperately miss the large sums of money we received after we'd pack that shit-hole show after show. We're also gonna miss the incredible sounding P.A., house drum kit, and highly skilled sound lesbian. It's such a shame we'll never again work with the wonderfully pleasant Meow Mix staff, whose warm responses to our performances were a welcome sign after a strenuous , non-airconditioned show. Goodbye old friend.
Well Grandma's been hitting the cooking sherry again, so here's the latest, drunken report:
The line-up's been pretty stable as of late, so there's been nothing much to report. I know that's no excuse, but being a lazy old fart doesn't sound as nice. Anyway, I'm drunk, my corns are acting up, and I just ran out of Metamucil, so don't expect any niceties. We've played a lot of shows since I last filed a report, and it's really gotten us nowhere; not that I expect anything from the industry. The way things are going lately, we're not exactly waiting around for a Grammy. Me, I've been busy in the kitchen, baking cookies, making preserves, drinking cheap wine and smoking menthol cigarettes. While, doing so, however, I've made a couple of observations. Here they are in no particular order:
O.K., here ya go
I have to stop typing now, I will return, when I can keep my eyes open.
Sorry I had to show you that. I swear it won't happen again. I can only imagine the trauma that must have endured. But it's time to move on. Guttergirl's just played Continental, where David and Billy and Guttergirl and Juliana put on quite a 'diverse' and 'sexually tinged' performance. Who are Billy and Julianna you ask? Well, they are the new 'guttergirl' dancers. Why are there so many 'quoted phrases' in this entry? Well that, my friend, is called artistic licsense ; and considering how many beers I've just consumed, you're lucky I'm not writing with Hyroglphics (wait, let me look that word up). Uh, o.k., here ya' go Hieroglyphics. So enough self-references and punctuation, let's get down to bid'ness. I wanted to talk about the latest guttergirl news, I'm not sure what incredible musical strides we've made lately. Actually, we haven't done anything but play shows. I guess that's what we do best. Unfortunately, it doesn't pay that well, so we're forced to carry on with our prospective 'careers' (wait that's quoted and this is parenthetical). I guess we've resigned ourselves to being a local NYC bar band that doesn't make any money. shit. well atleast we don't look like those guys ^.